Getting Warmer, April 2023

Summer can be a joyful, but stressful time with everyone at home, breaking the normal routine. We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle talked to clinical psychologist and mom of three, Dr. Becky Kennedy, named "The Millennial Parenting Whisperer" by TIME Magazine. Join Doyle, her wife Abby Wambach, and Dr. Becky for Breaking Cycles & Reparenting Yourself with Dr. Becky Kennedy, and How to Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky Kennedy, for discussions on how to break familial cycles, resilience building, how and why our children can trigger us, why the traditional reward and punishment systems fail, how to build better connections with our kids, and how to reparent ourselves to become more like the parent we're trying to be. Take a deep dive into these parenting techniques with Doyle's podcast episodes, and Dr. Becky's weekly podcast, Good Inside with Dr. Becky, as well as her 2022 book release, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Or take a look at her workshop offerings for specific issues - visit goodinside.com for member and non-member offerings.

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"Understanding that we're all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, 'I hate you'). [...] So many of us had parents who led with judgment rather than curiosity, criticism instead of understanding, punishment instead of discussion. [...] As a result, many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity?" -Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

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Approaching behavior as a symptom, and not an indication of who a child is, leads the adults in that child's life to "sit on the bench" with them, reframing difficult moments as learning opportunities, helping build life-long skills. Showing curiosity about how they are feeling, and modeling curiosity about your own feelings in the moment helps children have the framework to know and trust themselves as they grow to adulthood. These key moments help us, and them, create realistic expectations of ourselves in the world, experiencing all of the emotions available to us, instead of focusing on happiness.

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Kennedy is open about the fact she started her practice by suggesting traditional reward and punishment systems, like sticker charts. She quickly realized that these types of methods might create behaviors that are easier to deal with in children, but as they aged, their parents were left wondering why their children were more susceptible to peer pressure, and not always able to establish boundaries with romantic partners.

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"When we sacrifice relationship building in favor of control tactics, our children may age, but in many ways, they developmentally remain toddlers, because they miss out on years of building the emotions regulation, coping skills, intrinsic motivation, and inhibition of desires that are necessary for life success. When we are busy exerting extrinsic control over our children's external behavior, we sacrifice teaching these critical internal skills." -Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

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"How our caregivers responded to us becomes how we in turn respond to ourselves, and this sets the stage for how we respond to our children." Kennedy assures us it's never too late to work on our relationship with ourselves or our children, no matter the age - neuroplasticity allows everyone a chance to rewire, rebuild and heal.

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